Tribute

Ollie rudely woke me up at 8am this morning by ringing by house phone…but the conversation made up for the lack of sleep. I met him at 12, and we sat at the bus station with Katy, Winnie, Johnny M and Michael. Everyone seemed fine…except for me. I just sat there biting my nails and screaming inside. I dunno, I probably didn’t help with Ollie’s nervousness though. I gave him a six page letter, some food for the coach, a pack of Marlboro lights and the new FHM as a present. He loved it. His coach left at 1.30pm, and he did a little round of hugs. I had to do my pathetic macho routine just so I didn’t cry. He said to Katy before he went, “look after Emily for me,” and she just cried, bless her. Me and Katy walked away and she kept rubbing my back and asking me if I was alright- I had to shout at her to tell her to stop touching me. We got to Twerton and I was fine...I just avoided thinking about Ollie and the whole situation. But when I got to Nik’s house earlier, I just broke. I know it’s dumb and I’m being overly emotional, and I know that predictably people are gunna criticise me for bitching about whinging people on here the other day, and now I’m being a grade a complainer, but fuck you all, I have a valid excuse. My head hearts and it’s all his fault. It’s stupid that it’s taken about 10 months for me to realise the real situation which has been staring me in the face for ages. I just want him to come back. He’s one of the only people who can tell me to shut up and I’ll actually listen. He’s one of the only people I’ll fully open up to. He’s one of the only people I can walk round naked in front of. He’s one of the only people I can be sick in front of. He’s one of the only people I can show my arms to when they’re fucked, and he’s the only person I have ever been able to turn round and honestly say. “I love you” to. It makes me sad that we got in another pointless fight before he left. He told me that his mum cried when she hugged him goodbye and I pointed out that it’s mainly her fault he’s leaving; if the silly cow hadn’t kicked him out when he was fifteen, he wouldn’t have had to go through so much shit, and his head would probably be in a much better place right now. And he wouldn’t have had to go off to Amsterdam to try and get a hold on his mental state. I mean, Amsterdam? He has £100 with him…he’s gunna starve, be homeless, jobless, take all the drugs in the world, and probably have to resort to prostitution to get any money at all. Asshole. But it’s fine, it’s fucking fine, he can go off and leave me for god knows how long…I’ll just sit and not have my monkey to talk to…but I have promised I’ll still be here when he comes back and I will be. Kerrin- He just text me from London…he’s ok and he says hey.x

Love, lust, champagne, bruises, inspiration, pathetic fights, literature, truth, denial and ugliness.